What the F*#@!?

      I believe that there is an inverse correlation between the use of profanity and level of intelligence.  The more frequent someone curses while speaking, chances are that the lower their I.Q. is.  Of course I have zero empirical evidence to support my hypothesis on this claim, other than only a few decades worth of personal observation.  Nonetheless, my experience and keen Seinfeld-like sociological perception says that all signs point to yes.

    It's been said that "profanity is the common crutch of the conversational cripple", and I tend to agree.  There are few things more vexatious to me than overhearing a conversation between two or more people who have trouble conjugating the verb to be, but have no trouble liberally using the F-word as a noun, verb, adjective, and dangling participle.  This style of dialogue and the use of what I call "conversational profanity", is about as revealing about the participants as admiring the Kardashian sisters or cast members of The Jersey Shore.  There's no rational or intelligent justification for it, and it more than likely proves that the subject at hand prefers reading People magazine over Time or Newsweek.

     
     My contentions are certainly not without criticism, however.  Especially so from anyone who has ever shared a sideline with me, and can easily attest to the fact that I can curse as prolifically and creatively as a drunken sailor.  (No offense intended to any actual sailors, mariners, or members of the U.S. Navy.  A knock on my door and a punch in the face isn't something I welcome).  But my defense, or what some may consider a hypocritical excuse, is that I consider my usage of profanity to be "conditional", not "conversational".  And conditional profanity is, if not okay, then at least at times certainly justifiable.

        
     When I use the F-bomb or any other similar type of bomb, the condition or situation lends itself to justifiably doing so.  In other words, instead of spouting off four-letter words simply while engaging in everyday casual dialogue, my use of said words are the result of a specific consequence:  When you stub your toe on the coffee table.  Or when you swerve at the last second to avoid an oncoming car drifting into your lane.  Or when a bad shot on the lacrosse field or basketball court results in a fastbreak goal or basket for the opposing team.  If while reading People magazine, you find out that that big-nosed, fake-tanned, no talent, greaseball from The Jersey Shore made $5 million last year--that may even understandably emit a cursory word or two.
  

    

     Mark Twain once said,  "Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."  My guess is that Twain understood that an occasional profane word or string of words may not only be understandable, but also beneficial.  I doubt Twain was a lacrosse player, so I don't think he came off the field throwing his helmet to the ground and lambasting his teammates for not running the fastbreak offense correctly.  But I'm sure if he were around today and perusing the New York Times bestsellers list, he'd utter a few swear words, seeing books authored by the likes of Dan Brown and Sarah Palin.

       
     So, does the type and amount of profanity used by someone offer a barometer of insight into that person's intelligence?  I think so.  But who the f*#@ knows?