It's now official. I've become my father. This is no surprise—our comparable personality traits and mannerisms have been quite obvious for a long time. But it was only recently that the apple fell directly under the tree at the exact same time that the chip came off the old block.
It happened at the end of basketball practice. The team huddled for a customary cheer and some motivational words from one of the team captains. Far from garrulous and certainly not the most poetic, Lance offered up a hodgepodge of bland and uninspiring words:
“Okay, guys...good practice today...Umm...Hmm...Let's see...Um...Okay, 'Brotherhood' on three, ready...One, two, three...” (all together) 'Brotherhood' the team mumbles out of sync.
The team breaks their huddle and I can't let them go without voicing my displeasure over Lance's mundane choice of words.
“That was just awful” I say as the guys make their way to the locker room. “Worse than awful. For tomorrow you better make sure you give me something a helluva lot better than that. Give me something from Sun Tzu.”
At that Dan turns and mutters partially toward me and partially under his disgruntled breath, “Why's it always gotta be from Sun Tzu?” Instantly irritated by Dan's petulance I snapped backed loudly, “Because I said so!” My glare followed Dan as he left the gym. Him shaking his head and me wanting to wring the neck attached to it.
Because I said so. Because I said so. Because I said so. The words repeated in my head. On about the fourth repeat an accompanying voice became distinctively my father's.
I can't remember anything more irritating as a teenager than hearing my father's response of “Because I said so” to so many things.
“Hey Dad, why can't I stay out past midnight on Friday and Saturday nights?”
“Because I said so”
“Why do I have to shovel the driveway now, when in a few hours I'll only have to shovel it again?”
“Because I said so”
“It's Saturday. Why do I have to get up at 8:00 a.m.?”
“Because I said so”
At an age when the brain is facing a battle between respecting authority and craving social and intellectual independence, hearing “Because I said so” was equivalent to those crazy laws that are still on the books. Like the one forbidding anyone to drive a car with a gorilla in the back seat. There's not a lot of logic for it, but it's the law of the land nevertheless.
Now here I was, thirty years later, telling Dan just what my father had told me so many times when I was his age. That it mattered not one bit the validity of Dan's question was proof that not only had I inherited another trait of my Dad's, but that something I once disdained about him I now imitated and maybe even admired. What I had demanded was going to be what was adhered to, period. Gorilla transporters beware.
Thirty years ago, Dad was completely irrational and unreasonable; an intimidating figure who barked orders not for any credible value, but solely to command subordinance. Suddenly now, Dad was an expert in behavioral psychology. And my telling Dan that he had to come up with a quote from Sun Tzu--just because I said so--was professorial genius.
Introduced to Sun Tzu's The Art Of War by Coach Bob Knight many years ago, as a book probably, in his words, the best on coaching philosophy, I make a point to introduce it to all my players each year. A homework assignment or lesson may include a quote from the ancient Chinese military general and philosopher. Among them:
All war is based on deception.
Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory. Tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat.
Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first then seek to win.
It simply doesn't get any better than that in my opinion, be it the art of war or the art of basketball.
Now Dan is a kid any coach would enjoy having on his team. He's tough, competitive, and works hard every day in practice. Never is his name called out for lack of effort. If you tell him to knock someone over, he'll do that. If you tell him to sprint and dive on a loose ball, he'll do it. What he lacks in overall skill he makes up for in self-motivation and intestinal fortitude a coach wishes all his players had.
Dan is also 18 years old. And like a lot of 18 year olds, he knows very little about basketball and even less about life, compared to his older and wiser coach. But again, like many teenagers, he would argue that point. And he does, again, and again, and again. Being told to do or how to do something he objects to while keeping his mouth shut, is not one of Dan's strong suits. Questioning why he has to memorize a quote from Sun Tzu is a typical response from a stubborn and defiant personality such as his.
Now my response to Dan's complaining was not only good enough for me and my dad, but for Sun Tzu himself. His version of "because I said so" reads as this:
Confront your soldiers with the deed itself;
Never let them know your design
As a teacher of the game of basketball, it is usually to the players' benefit that they are taught the reasons "why". Why utilizing a shot fake is advantageous. Why a proper defensive stance leads to more steals. Why too much dribbling makes offensive play less effective.
But there are also times when the "why" doesn't matter, at least not immediately. If nothing else, my father taught me that it was his status as a parent that instilled in me the respect (and at times fear) of authority. Maybe having to wake up at 8:00 a.m. on a Saturday was a lesson in productivity vs. slothfulness. On the other hand it may have just been an old-fashioned Italian father reinforcing the traditional values of a patriarchal household. Either way, Dad had a reason behind his ways and lessons to be taught and learned.
Dan may not realize now why certain demands and expectations are placed upon him. He may complain and whine about it (and he does). But I'm sure someday he'll understand it all. Maybe when he's coaching a youth basketball team and he uses a drill he hated as a player but finds it beneficial as a coach. Or maybe one day he'll impress the hell out of his intelligent, future wife by quoting Descartes because he once was forced to write a paper on him. Or maybe it will be much later, when he's all grown up, has his own kids, and one of them argues non-stop about his curfew time. Then without warning, and without a thread of patience left, he'll yell out: "Because I said so!"
And whenever that time comes, I'll probably get a call:
"Hey, Coach, it's Dan. I just wanted to tell you that I realized how right you were about so many things when I played for you. I didn't then, but I do now. And I apologize for the times I was a royal pain in the ass."
I'll reply, "Well, Dan, I appreciate the call. Now, don't you think it's time you give me back my copy of The Art Of War? It's not like you really even read it."
"Geez, Coach, how did you know that?
"Because you still haven't turned in your homework assignment on it that you needed to redo, and I'm still waiting for it. And you'll do it too. Because I said so."
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